I have so much to say about being pregnant that I don't know where to begin, honestly. At the beginning? With the stuff that's more relevant to my experiences? What I've learned about the little person inside of me already? I guess I'll start at the beginning and see how it goes.

Back around the end of February, I woke one morning knowing something was different. I remember distinctly chuckling to myself that if I were pregnant, I wondered what the spirit that had joined our lives would be like. In the weeks that followed I began to notice little things, but things that later became typical symptoms that most people think of when they think 'pregnant': I was constantly queasy, restless, my breasts were sore. And then I missed my period, which seemed like a no-brainer to me. I had taken a pregnancy test, after much agonizing, and it was negative. Confused, I went to a doctor, who told me to just take another pregnancy test. I will never forget those HOURS of worrying waiting to see a doctor, who just told me to go home and do what I'd already done AGAIN.

That day was April 5th. The little pink line on the test strip was so faint that I had to squint to see it, but it was there. I went and woke Chris up and asked him to look at it, in case I was imagining things, and he rubbed and eye and told me that he could see it too. There was a lot of silence after that as we sat there. We only really talked about it later that night, when Chris got off work and I was about to head to my night shift. How did we feel? When should we tell people? What do we do first?

Things went fast after that. I called and made an appointment with an OB/GYN the very next day, got my name on 2 waiting lists for Birthing centers, signed up for various news feeds on pregnancy, signed up for daycare waiting lists (yes, that early). The Doctor I saw was lovely for a first meeting, and given her experience, I told myself that if I didn't get into a birthing center I would be alright with her delivering my child. Subsequent visits with her changed my mind, and I was very glad when I got the call that I had gotten one of the rare spots at the Pointe Claire Birthing Clinic.

The next question became when to tell people. Wait for Easter? Wait for Mother's day? Everything seemed so impossibly far away for me. How was I ever going to hold it in? I was so excited I wanted to scream it in the face of every single person I knew. They'd already figured it out at work (since they knew about my other symptoms previously, and could see my new giddiness). It felt just WRONG that work people knew, but not my own parents. We set the date for April 16th, and invited our moms and siblings to dinner at our place. My mom figured it out just from the invitation, I think. It was wonderful to tell people and see all the joy on their faces. So many hugs and so much love, for a baby who was, at the time, a little mystery no bigger then a sweet pea.

A week later, I had some cramps and bleeding and went to the emergency room with Chris. We got our first look at the baby... well. Chris says he could make out the heartbeat. All I saw was black and more black on a fuzzy little screen, but I was assured that everything was alright. It was shortly after this that we announced to our friends that we had a baby on the way.

I still had one appointment left with my OB/GYN and got to hear the heartbeat of our baby, albeit briefly. I was left feeling very dry by the experience. It should have never been rushed as it was. More and more I knew I wanted a midwife.

Shortly after this, on June 3rd, we met our Midwife, France. France is an amazingly reassuring, calming presence and I am grateful for her being a part of this process. Karla (Chris' mother) had given us a lift to the appointment and was allowed to join us in the office. Together, we all got to hear the baby's heart beating, and having heard about our previous experience with it, France let us just listen for a while. I remember feeling so relieved, and happy. Everything was going to be fine. Karla was crying, even though she thought I couldn't see it from where I was, and Chris looked very far away as he listened. This was the sound of our baby's heart. It was fast and fluttery, but very real.

At this point I stopped working nights and switched to days. What a difference! Even though I still had a lot of morning sickness, the constant exhaustion was far more manageable by day and I fell into a more acceptable sleep and health pattern within a week.

Time slips by, and baby grew within me. There were threads of conversation with friends over FaceBook for names. What the baby might be like. First trimester passed to Second and no one was happier then me when the constant nausea that had been my companion for months finally ebbed and then went away entirely. New were migraines and heartburn, but not a lot of either one, at least.

On June 12th I felt the baby move for the very first time. There had been fluttery hints before, but this was a distinct PUSH against my belly. It was a moment of great awe.

I had had several dreams about the baby by now. Many were of the expected 'pregnancy dream' variety, but always featuring a little blonde girl. Before I had gotten pregnant, I had many dreams of a dark haired little boy whom I carried at my hip, but he never featured after I got pregnant. Chris, however, had a dream about a little boy, who was very smart and a bit rebellious.

On July 22nd, which seems like a lifetime ago now, but was only a few weeks back in reality, Chris and I went to our first ultrasound. We'd agreed to find out the sex of the baby, for various reasons, and while at first I didn't really care, by the day of I could hardly wait to know, even though I was convinced it was a girl, as were most of my friends and family (with the exception, notably, of Chris' sister Natasha, who has said from the start that it was a boy). After what seemed like an eternity, but was only about an hour of waiting, we finally got called in and had our first look at the baby.

The first view was something out of Alien: the baby was crouched on its side, and all I could make out was the shape of a large head, and a very thick spinal column. And then it moves a hand and I could see all the little joints in articulation, all the tiny bones. This was a living thing, moving inside of me. The attendant moved her magic wand and we had another view. The face. The belly. Tiny feet. And then "I do believe its a boy." I asked if she thought it was, or she knew. She said she was sure and placed a great big arrow pointing at his penis, to show us clearly. She left it, in the pictures. Very classy. But there it was. We were having a boy, no longer an 'it'.

A lot happened in a short amount of time. Telling people, of course, as well as gifts and advice. I felt the baby moving more and more inside of me, growing stronger.

Last weekend we had our second real scare: Early Saturday morning I started to have contractions. These weren't the brief little Braxton-Hicks contractions that I had felt previously. These were harder and longer and much more scary. After what seemed like forever, they stopped. Baby was still moving and I was exhausted. Chris pushed me to call our midwife, France, to make sure that everything was okay. As it turned out, France was on break and so her partner, Rashida, was on call. She drove from Pointe Claire to our place within 20 minutes, and having misunderstood, had arrived with a full kit, prepared to deliver the baby then and there if needs be. She was wearing pajama pants, and had apparently also just finished delivering another baby shortly before this. This woman is my new hero. After some checking and consulting, it was declared that baby and I were both alright, and that I needed to be on bed rest for a few days and to take it easy. She gave me some homeopathy to stop cramps and prevent miscarriage and left me to sleep.

Baby, however, has taken none of her advice and has been insanely active ever since that day. He has been moving more and more, and has made some things very clear to me over the past few weeks: He loves anything with lemon in it, and anything with cheese. He dislikes when I'm being shaken, like on the metro or car rides, and absolutely hates it when its too hot or too cold. He actually will move away from a source of heat or cold very quickly...so that means he likes things temperate, like me. In terms of music, he likes some classical, and in particular 'Fantasia on a Theme' by Thomas Tallis. He also likes Songs Ohia, Sufjan Stevens and Feist. Yes, this is clearly my son.

We still have a ways to go. The expected date of delivery has been moved from December 2nd to December 12th, but I still have the feeling he might be a little early. I have told him that I want to hold him in my arms desperately, but NOT YET. He has to wait until at least my birthday. He's allowed to be a Scorpio at the earliest, but would be better off hanging in there until he can be a Saggitarius like he's meant to be. Yes, I've really had this talk with my unborn son. I talk to him about everything. Sometimes in whispers, sometimes loudly. Sometimes he kicks me, or moves. I know he's listening, dreaming. This little life inside of me.

I had a fairly rotten day yesterday. In short, I've been sick for 2 weeks or so now, and its just not going away. For the past few days I've also been coughing up a little blood. Concerned, I went to a clinic, who, because of said blood, told me to go to a hospital. The hospital ER was near empty when I'd arrived, but after over 3 hours, I heard that they only had 2 doctors on staff and both had gone to lunch. At that point I'd been up about 22 hours (having gone in straight from work) so I went home to sleep.

Later last night, when I was getting ready for work, my roommate came home from a likewise fairly rotten day. My immediate feeling was one of relief - "Oh! You had a bad day too? Thank god. Shall I make the fancy coffee?". She and I commiserated in our relative upsets a bit, and then I got ready for work.

And then I got upset with myself. Why had I been so glad she'd suffered a bad day? It really bothered me that it was my honest first reaction, given that I strive so hard to be a compassionate person. Thinking on this, and with my travel mug of the aforementioned fancy coffee in hand, I set out to work.

The metro was quiet, as it usually was at that hour. As I headed down I spotted a peculiar woman. She was grey from head to toe - her clothes were dirty to the point of colorlessness and yet didn't seem 'grimy'. Her hair was grey and short. Her skin was dirty, also grey. Her eyes, as I met them were blue-grey. She seemed ageless to me, and could have really been anywhere from 35-60. She looked perhaps slightly lost, but not upset or anything. I walked on toward the platform, still contemplating the nature of compassion.

When she tugged on my sleeve I was so caught off guard it was as though I had been shocked. I actually staggered in my steps in surprise. I tugged off my headphones and looked at her. She asked me, very calmly, if she could have some of my drink as she'd not had anything to drink in days. I handed over my travel mug to her, helping her to open it once I realized she was slightly baffled by the lid. She asked me to hold her bag, a large leather duffel, as she drank, and I took it, but it was very heavy. I asked her if she minded if I put it down and she then noticed my cane. "Oh! Let's go sit," she said, and we went toward a bench whereupon I sat, and she knelt at my feet as she drank the coffee, rather than sit beside me or even stand. I watched a metro go by, the one I'd usually catch to get to work on time, and shrugged to myself. I let her drink in peace. Once she was done, she took out a kleenex from her bag, wiped my mug down and handed it back to me. She asked me how to get to Berri station from there, and I told her. She thanked me and took back her bag. I looked away to put my mug in my knapsack, and when I looked up she'd vanished. Not that there was anyplace she could have gone..but she was just not there anymore.

I took the next metro to work - my co-worker who usually meets me on the metro every day had waited at McGill for me to get off there, as he'd spotted me from the train as it went by while I was with the grey woman. I told him about the story, and he told me it was a good sign. I tend to agree.

I think my only resolutions for 2011 are to complain less and to show more gratitude. That said, I wanted to take a moment to focus on the things I've learnt in 2010 instead.

When change happens embrace it *and keep going*
Seriously. So much happened this year that I could have never predicted. Changing jobs over and over was the big one here, I think, though there was also the move and some huge changes in the way I see things, too.

Work-wise: From full time at MM, to part time, to sort-of full time personal assistant work/jewelry-making/Reiki, to my new post at the RBC... It all seemed fast and sort of random to me, and yet, what a ride! I am happy with where I landed when the music stopped, but for a while I had no way of really knowing where it would go. I rolled with the changes, and I came out on top.

The move: It was sort of out of nowhere and planned at once, this one. We knew we didn't want another winter at the old place, but we hadn't bothered to give notice or house hunt. Then one day I spotted a place for rent on the way home. I visited it that night, and brought Chris the next..then suddenly, we were moving! We needed a sub-letter for the old place, which was stressful, but finally panned out, and now we're all cozy in our new home. All of this happened FAST fast fast.

If you want something, TELL SOMEONE
I've been pretty bad at that, almost my whole life (I was better at it as a kid, mind you, but who wasn't?). Going around expecting people to read my mind was clearly counter-productive. The moment I started telling folk "I'm looking for a good, steady full-time job", or "I want to spend more time", or "I'd like to get this thing over here" things really changed for me. Its funny that I needed to be in my thirties to understand that sometimes all it takes is asking, but at least its something I've finally figured out.

Be aware of when something pushes your buttons, and walk away without getting defensive
I think this one is sort of self-explanatory, but to expand: There's no point in staying in a conversation/situation when you know you're getting upset over something the other people there have no idea about, or that you yourself are having trouble explaining. Its not anyone's fault they're not aware of your personal issues or whatever.

...Unless people seriously need to be educated
Rape isn't funny.
Racism isn't funny.
Homophobia isn't funny.
Ignorance isn't an excuse.

This year I began to tell people as much, and really, there's no room for argument in my mind. I can't expect people to just 'grow up' if someone doesn't step up to the plate and tell them that they're behavior is wrong, so I've started to open my mouth about this more. It needs doing, people.

Revel in the love you have
And I do. I really, really do. From my friends, my family, and most especially from Chris. I am so much stronger as a person for having you all in my life, and I am grateful for it every day.

What did 2010 teach you?

Me: "Isn't it odd that there's practically no advertising all night long and as soon as 6am rolls around its non stop? You'd think the air time would be cheaper overnight, wouldn't you?"

A: "Hmm? Yeah, I guess so," wry tone.

Me: "I can see you really care deeply about the issue."

A:"Oh of course I do. Please, tell me more about this fascinating subject."

Me: "Thank goodness you find me so interesting! What would I do without you?"

A: "I really don't know."

G: "You'd talk to your computer more."

A: "Or the jetscan."

G: "Or the customers who aren't here to hear you..."

At least I laughed along with them. Because I do these things. A lot. Nightly. I'm glad they find it amusing rather than worrisome at least...

So apparently LJ didn't die without me posting for a couple months. Imagine.

This August has marked some huge changes for me - I've left my job of many many years at Mélange Magique. It was time. I don't want to get into it overmuch, but in short, I needed a change of head-space as well as more work hours among several other reasons. Besides, 8 years is a long time to work at any place! I left with no regrets and many fond memories.

This week (2 days ago) I began working at RBC in the financial processing center. Its a very good job, with lots of opportunities and benefits that I am very excited about. The tricky part of it all is that it is graveyard shift (midnight to 8am). I don't MIND it being at those hours, before people think this is some sort of complaint.. well. The adjusting to the time slot is one thing that I'm not so in love with, but it shall pass.

I'm still sleeping weirdly, and can't commit to pretty much anything. Its frustrating. Even now I know I should still sleep a couple more hours, but I just can't. It means I'll be a MESS again by the end of my work shift and I don't like that feeling at ALL. I know it can take a few weeks to adjust, but MAN its kicking my ass. The good news is that they really seem to like me and say I'm learning everything pretty fast.

The other thing is the time confusion. Lunch is an enforced break for everyone at 4am. So that's my "lunch"... but its such a weird hour to eat that I find I can't eat lots. So I either have a huge 'breakfast' at 9:30 or 10pm, and then a huge 'supper' at 8:30am... and then sleep at 9am. Blah. Its just ODD.

Work news aside, all seems pretty calm. Not really sure what else to say, which is a part of why I stopped blogging a ways back. Saying 'everything is fine' over and over seems sorta redundant ;)

Today I was gifted with a new snake. Yes, this makes three. This one is a tiny little baby, and he's a black and silver (or a motley anerythristic for you technical folk) and just weeks old. Here I use the term 'he' loosely, since I've learned my lesson. In a couple years, maybe he'll let me know. Either way, I've names him Varuna.

( Pics of all 3 snakes under the cut. Enjoy! )

I woke up to eggs! Its like Easter going on over in that tank. I don't think she'd done yet, but she looks like she's taking a break. I don't want to disturb her, but I could only spot 3 eggs so far. They're so big compared to her!

I'm so excited!!! 

• Snakes can tell if eggs in their bellies are bad, and will sometimes expel them to give the other eggs more room.
• Snakes don't go into labor. They wait until they find 'just the right place' and then lay an egg at a time.
• Sometimes it takes up to a week to lay a whole clutch of eggs.
• Some snakes like being pregnant, and will store sperm a while to lay more eggs later.
• Even when professionals 'sex' your snake, they're wrong a lot of the time. If you don't see the hemi-penis, then you really don't know for sure. It might also mean the male snake doesn't feel like showing you his privates, which is also pretty common.
• A female snake about to lay will shed one week, then will stop eating the next, then will lay her 8-30 eggs the week after that, and then will shed again the week after that.

The story, so far:

I bought Agni a couple years ago. I thought it was male, and named/treated him as such. This year, I was taught how to 'sex' a snake, and checked only to learn I might be wrong. This was doubly confirmed later on by someone else. So I thought Agni was female. With that in mind, I went shopping to get Agni a boyfriend at the Montreal Reptile Show, and came home with Soma, who was labelled as a 2 year old male, which was just perfect.

60 or so days later... enter the mystery egg. It was laid in the water dish, as (see point 1 above) the snake who laid it likely did not want a rotten egg stinking up their tank. So then that left me thrilled that I was gonna have some snake babies. The thing is Agni didn't look very pregnant, and was eating like a pig, where as Soma was pretty lumpy about the tail. 

Today a friend came by (Thanks Liz!!) who knows these things, and helped me understand a little more what was going on and how to handle it. Soma is clearly pregnant, and clearly a female. Agni may or not be male. Apparently, also, Agni may or not be the father, too, since the timing of when I brought Soma home means she got pregnant either right before, or right after the Reptile show... the only way to know if Agni is the daddy,  is to wait until the eggs eventually hatch and to see what color/pattern the babies are.

She also showed me a cool website that does the genetics calculations of the parent snakes to predict the patterns of the babies. If Agni is the father, the babies will all be "Blood-Red Striped", unless one of Agni's own parents was also white like Soma, in which case, most will be red, and some will be white, but all babies will be striped either way. (Break out those punnett squares, kids!) If the babies show spots or saddle patterns, or are not red, then Soma was pregnant before I bought her and we still won't know if Agni is male or female.
There are still no other eggs laid, but I should be seeing some action there in the next few days, and now know what to do about it. I'll be handling my own incubation, too. I'll let y'all know how that goes, but do be patient. The eggs will sit there and stew for 60 days or so once laid.

The other thing is that Soma may lay a second clutch of eggs again in 60 days, if she felt like storing up some sperm. So. Won't that be interesting? 

Another aside - yes, I've seen my snakes 'having sex'. Apparently they don't care if they're with the opposite gender either. I think none of them can tell which is male or female either ;p

This morning I found a rotten egg in the snakes' water dish. Naturally, I thought, 'Yay! Agni is laying eggs!'. With some advice, I set 'her' into a separate box full of good damp earth to lay in, since something like 8-20 more are supposed to come along in the next 24-48 hours.

Yeah.

So meanwhile Soma has been acting like a freak all week. Hyper, and wiggly and refusing to eat. I took 'him' out to play a bit, thinking it would calm 'him' down. Thats when I noticed how lumpy 'his' tail was.

Now, Agni's tail is skinny, and 'she' ate like a pig this week. Pregnant snakes are supposed to be lumpy and not eating...

Now I have NO idea which one laid the original egg (since I didn't see who did it) and I'm fairly sure that both snakes are the opposite genders of what I thought they were (which would also mean I was right originally when I thought Agni was a boy).

Now I have Soma in the box of dirt, and Agni in the regular tank... either way, I'll know by morning which one is a boy and which is a girl, but I swear that they've done this as part of some elaborate prank to see if they can make me lose my mind.

I just got a call from my specialist - the CT scan shows 'Cystic degeneration of the teleal [taleal? Telus?] region of the ankle', which translates to bone degeneration, which cannot be fixed and is pretty much a forever thing. She says its pretty much just as easily called this crazy thing known of as 'arthritis'. As a side note, if this pain if just from arthritis, then holy crap I'm terrified of getting old. But anyhow. Her recommendations were to take Advil or Aleve as needed (with some brief talk of how often I should/not take it), and to get better shoes.

And that's it.